selfconcept | purgastory >> inbox

You really tried to wrestle a world eater.

[ Hien sounds slightly exasperated, but... he doesn't hate it. ]

Thanks, for helping out. You did good. You did your best.

[ He puts a paw on Edamura's leg. ]

[. . .]

[places the katsudon aside and scoops Hien into his lap, continuing those gentle ear scritches. they are soothing for him too, in the way that petting an animal helps with residual stress]

Yeah. I guess I did.

[it sounds so freakin' insane when Hien says it aloud. god. what the fuck was he thinking. he wasn't, actually! that was the problem. as always, when things get hectic, Edamura reacts on instinct. he doesn't think about the danger or the consequences of his actions. he just. . . does what feels right]

. . . felt like I had to do something. I knew it wouldn't be much, but I-- I dunno.

[a shrug]

I didn't want to leave you like that.

[ Hien is quiet and nestles on Edamura's lap. It's warm and he's comforted. ]

I won't scold you for that, since I'm assuming someone else already did that in my place.

[ ... ]

Remember when I was talking about my friend? And about the feeling I had in my hands?

[pomchi Hien makes everything better. also no one has scolded him yet, but he will not bring that up]

. . . yeah. I do.

[he winces slightly, running his fingers down pomchi Hien's back. Is it the same? he thinks, but does not ask aloud]

I killed you there, in that place.

[ One of the reasons for negative modifiers! Yippee! ]

Because I had a feeling that it wasn't you, but only someone that looked like you. Still... if I killed you, this one, while I was a monster, I think I wouldn't be able to eat for a while.

[oh]

[. . . oh]

[. . .]

[he thinks back to the banquet room. Hien's corpse cut right in half, spattered with blood, strewn out on the table alongside Ryuji. Laurent. his hand stills on Hien's back as he lets out a deep exhale, eyes slipping shut. this place. . . can truly be so cruel]

. . . but you didn't.

[he eventually says, voice quiet]

You didn't kill me. You heard me. . . and you stopped.

[and that means something, right?]

It was the concept of self part of me that lashed out, so I did. I'm really glad I was weakened to do much of anything.

[ All that. Not much.

ok ]

[OKAY]

If that was you while you were weakened, I wouldn't stand a chance against you at full strength. . .

[he'd be dead within seconds]

. . . how are you-- you know. Feeling? After all of that.

... I don't think I would ever want to unleash anything at my full strength on someone who doesn't have a chance of fighting back.

[ For multiple reasons. ]

I'm feeling mostly fine. I just wanted to distance myself from others, because I didn't want anyone to have a visceral reaction with my presence. All that happened... and I even killed someone. Of course that would be terrifying to most people. Me though... I can accept visitors at any time.

[. . .]

[he hugs pomchi Hien a little bit closer to his chest, pressing his nose against the top of that furry head. right between the ears]

That form. . . is that the form you would take if Memory and Life were to die. . .?

[is that how Hien would look, should his world-destroyer trigger be activated?]

Yeah.

[ His ears twitch a little, but calms eventually. ]

It is. I can access it by switching to "future mode".

[gently pats those ears. calm!!]

How do you feel about it? Does it. . . bother you?

[or is it just another piece of what makes Hien whole? a part of his "villainous" side?]

... It's also called the "future mode" because it's my inevitable future. I simply borrow it.

[ Does Edamura remember the little slumber party games? His answer? Particularly the last one?]

I've been dedicating a great portion of my existence to avoid that future like I said before. It bothers me, but I can't deny the convenience of it.

[HE SURE DOES. . . tbqh that is when he clocked that the shadow was Hien]

I don't want you to disappear, either.

[he says with a slow exhale]

I asked because. . . I remember you got upset when you felt like people expected you to be "good" all the time. I wondered if this was something similar. . . or if it was another thing entirely.

[ Hien stays quiet for a moment, thinking on what Edamura says. ]

... Can I turn back into a person?

Ah-- yeah. Of course.

[carefully placing Hien back on the ground so he does not SUDDENLY BECOME A PERSON in his lap. that would be awkward]

[ Thank you, Edamura. That's why he asked. Hien personally wouldn't mind, but he thinks Edamura would. So. He's trying to be courteous. Anyway, the gear turning noises are back and Hien replaces the dog in all his humanoid glory, sitting across from him. ]

"... I'm going to tell you what's in my shard."

[ Not who, but what. He was courteous for that before, but he leans in to quietly mumble it next to Edamura's ear. ]

[hilariously he actually wouldn't mind either. . . he just thinks Hien would. . .]

You are?

[there's no hiding the way Edamura's features grow slack with surprise, because he truly thought he would never learn what was in Hien's shard. he figured it was a secret Hien would take to the end of Purgatory, and that was fine by him. everyone deserved to have their secrets]

[. . . now isn't the time to think about the small flicker of warmth he feels at being wrong, though. how nice it is to be trusted. especially not when he tilts his head to listen]

[. . .]

[and he feels ice course through his veins, freezing his heart in his chest]

[for a moment, he is silent. for a moment, he hears nothing but the echoes of that answer reverberating in his mind. I don't want to disappear. I don't want you to disappear, either.]

[he reaches down to grasp Hien's hand tightly in his own, knuckles white, fingers trembling slightly]

. . . that's why. . .

[that's why Hien was so uncertain about making progress]

[ His first box was weighted, but contained nothing. ]

"... Despite everything, I like living."

[ He feels Edamura's hand, tight, around his own and looks down at it. He can feel the trepidation in his fingers, just a little, but it means a whole lot in those small actions. ]

"I was looking for ways to stop being a monster. I still am and this is... just one of those ways that I need to try."

[Despite everything, I like living]

[I want you to keep living. I want you to be happy. I want your life to be peaceful.]

How. . . would it work?

[lifting his gaze to search Hien's expression, the same trepidation that sends shivers through his fingers reflected in his eyes]

How would it get rid of the monster, but not. . . you?

"... It doesn't. We both go."

[ Hien's eyes are downcast and his expression mostly hasn't changed. But Edamura will be able to tell that there's definitely some sort of emotional vulnerability going on. ]

[suddenly, so much that happened over the past five weeks makes sense in hindsight. this is what Hien had meant when he said he'd send everyone off at the end of their journey, isn't it? this is why that conversation had give Edamura a vague sense of discontent in the pit of his stomach. everyone else in Purgatory is here searching for someone important to them, but Hien?]

[Hien is slowly plummeting towards oblivion]

That's not fair.

[he hisses, voice low. his grip on Hien's hand is tight enough to hurt now, as if the man will simply vanish right before his very eyes any second now]

. . . that's not fair. [Why do you have to go, too? Why is it all or nothing?] There has to be another way. Not this, Hien.

[a pause, and he repeats, a little quieter but just as firm]

Not. . . this.

[ It hurts, but Hien doesn't make a sound nor make any indication that it hurts on his face. ]

"I said it before, didn't I? I tried multiple methods--just like this one in other worlds. They didn't work out. If it works, then it works. If it doesn't, then... I'll keep searching."

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

1/2

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

1/2

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject