selfconcept | purgastory >> inbox

[suddenly, so much that happened over the past five weeks makes sense in hindsight. this is what Hien had meant when he said he'd send everyone off at the end of their journey, isn't it? this is why that conversation had give Edamura a vague sense of discontent in the pit of his stomach. everyone else in Purgatory is here searching for someone important to them, but Hien?]

[Hien is slowly plummeting towards oblivion]

That's not fair.

[he hisses, voice low. his grip on Hien's hand is tight enough to hurt now, as if the man will simply vanish right before his very eyes any second now]

. . . that's not fair. [Why do you have to go, too? Why is it all or nothing?] There has to be another way. Not this, Hien.

[a pause, and he repeats, a little quieter but just as firm]

Not. . . this.

[ It hurts, but Hien doesn't make a sound nor make any indication that it hurts on his face. ]

"I said it before, didn't I? I tried multiple methods--just like this one in other worlds. They didn't work out. If it works, then it works. If it doesn't, then... I'll keep searching."

[some part of Edamura seems to realize what he is doing. his grip loosens, even if he does not draw away entirely]

Why?

[he eventually asks]

. . . why are you willing to sacrifice yourself? There's still so much good you can do. And so many people who care about you.

"Because... the monster is also me. I can't separate myself from it."

[ So what Edamura said to Elysium back there--he was right. ]

[he wishes he weren't. he hadn't even meant it in this sense. he just. . . didn't want to look away from the pieces of Hien that were monstrous. he wanted to see him in his entirety. the good, the bad, and the extremely ugly]

[Can you tame it? is what he thinks next, before realizing that is a stupid question. of course Hien has tried taming it. Hien has been alive for god knows how long. if he is seeking oblivion in an attempt to rid the universe of the World Eater for good, then he truly has tried. . . everything]

[and what can Edamura, a mere human who can barely comprehend the life Hien has lived, say about that?]

[. . .]

[nothing, really. and that's the worst feeling of all, isn't it? the helplessness of being able to do nothing]

[there are no more words. Edamura releases Hien's hand, though he doesn't go far. seconds later, he slides his arms around his companion's shoulders, pulling him in for a tight embrace, face buried into the slope of Hien's shoulders]

[ Oh.

It's Edamura who initiates the hug this time, and Hien is a little surprised. Despite that, he returns the hug and gently rubs his back in an attempt to comfort him. People are always more concerned about Hien's circumstances that he is, and he thinks it's tiring and a pain to deal with.

He knows how to love himself and believes that he has a decent modicum of self-esteem, but sometimes you're loved and can't possibly fathom why someone would like him even after telling them most of the things about him.

In the entirety of his existence, Hien realizes that Edamura has been the first one to accept all of him and show it in a way that Hien understands.

Because of that, he also buries his face into Edamura's shoulder. It's a little wet. ]

[sometimes you are loved and the thought of your entire existence being reduced to nothingness really upsets the person who cares about you! it's not even a matter of Edamura worrying about Hien's self-esteem. it's something far more selfish than that. because while he had thought it the other day, and subsequently brushed it aside with the notion that of course the connections he made in Purgatory were meant to be brief and fleeting. . . in this moment, he realizes that he simply]

[does not]

[want Hien to leave]

[he doesn't. he doesn't. he does not want to let this bond go. he doesn't want to lose it at the end of their journey, whether it's to nothingness or oblivion or just. . . the both of them going their separate ways. isn't that awfully self-centered of him? thinking of what he wants, and what he doesn't want to lose, when Hien is the one who is going to lose everything]

[Edamura feels the pressure against his shoulder, accompanied by the slight touch of something damp. he exhales sharply and tightens his hold, allowing one hand to drift up to the back of Hien's head, fingers diving into soft locks]

I'm sorry. [he mutters, words slightly mumbled against Hien's shoulder] The only thing I'm thinking right now is really selfish.

[I really want you to stay.]

"You think I won't encourage you to be selfish?"

[ baka....................... As the Concept of Self, yeah. He will always encourage people to be selfish, but not to the point that it's detrimental.

He keeps his face buried into Edamura's shoulder and sniffles. ]

. . . I dunno.

[another mumble, but this time it is followed by a wry, huffed laugh]

Would you? What I want is the opposite of what you're trying to do, here.

[he ruffles Hien's hair slightly. openly affectionate. trying to soothe the sniffles he hears pressed against him]

You're crying.

[rude to just call it out!!]

"... Mm."

[ He doesn't care about the callout since he knows that he's crying. Hien has no pride about this... but he feels a little soothed at the hair ruffle and shakily breathes out. ]

"It's just one of those things... where you have to do something, whether you like it or not."

[. . .]

[it's reluctant, but Edamura eventually draws back from the hug. he doesn't go far, of course. . . he hovers close enough that their foreheads just barely touch, head tilted slightly so he can get a better look at Hien's expression, bangs falling tousled across his own. he keeps his hands pressed against Hien's shoulders, grip tight]

. . . is there literally anything I can say to convince you not to?

[literally anything at all. a heartfelt plea. a flicker hope for another option. a selfish request]

[ His eyes are a little red from crying, even though it wasn't much in the first place. He sniffles again when their foreheads almost touch, his gaze down as if the ground is the most interesting thing right now. But he feels the grip on his shoulders and tries not to think about how the tear mark down his cheek is drying and making his face uncomfortable to move. ]

"... No, but you can hope that the shard plan is a failure."

[. . . he wants to. he wants to hope for that so badly, no matter how guilty it might make him. but who is he, to selfishly wish for Hien's efforts to rid himself of his destructive future to fail?]

Do. . . you want it to be? A failure, I mean.

[he asks, though the question is tentative. given as he frowns at the red rims of Hien's eyes and the damp tracks that decorate his cheeks. with a huff, Edmaura lifts a hand and presses his knuckles against those tear marks, trying to (gently!) scrub them away]

[ Hien closes his eyes when Edamura tries to scrub them away, albeit gently. Mrngh. ]

"I have mixed feelings."

[ He's said as much already, but he'll say it again. ]

[he'd think that cute if he weren't so distracted by the solemnity of the moment. scrub scrub scrub. he's so doting]

I had a feeling you'd say that. . .

[part of him hoped Hien would say yes. he isn't surprised that he doesn't]

. . . but if it works, then-- presuming Yosuke is right, there's only one maze left.

[which is not a lot of time. is it. . . ?]

"Yeah..."

[ Despite everything, Hien is glad that he could finally be honest with Edamura about this, even though he knew that it would upset him. He knows it could upset many others too, which is why he doesn't usually talk about his shard. ]

"Did you want to do something here before you leave?"

[ is his ear licking curse still active LMAO ]

[IT COULD BE. . . do you really want him to lick Hien's ear in this emotionally charged thread. do you]

[as for the question. . .]

[it gives him pause. causes him to hesitate with palm still hovering near Hien's cheek, fingertips gently grazing the fringes of his bangs. so focused on Hien's lack of time that he hadn't even considered his own. is there anything he wants to do in Purgatory before he leaves. . .? something that must be done before he parts from the realm that upended his entire worldview? that introduced him to so many new people, all whom have helped him trudge his way through maze after maze, propping him up on his journey through self-discovery?]

[. . .]

. . . I don't know.

[he gets the vague sensation that there is. he simply cannot figure out what]

What about you?

[ I WONT FORCE YOU but he can fafo if he does

I will say that I was being serious about ear licking preventing the crashout because hien would be so ?????? over it that he just forgets ]

"Me? I like to live in the present, even with my future looming over me all the time, so... wherever my whimsy takes me is where I'll go."

[okay well]

[I guess going for it]

Your whimsy, huh.

[a very light touch of amusement as he repeats those words, hand dropping from Hien's cheek to his collar, fingers digging into the fabric of his shirt]

. . . I suppose that's not a bad way to do things. [Edamura is not a whimsy kind of guy, but he is slowly learning how to live in the moment. that's what his world travels are for] If it makes you happy, then--

[we interrupt this tender moment with a curse. because Edamura suddenly cuts himself off, yanks on Hien's collar, and tries to pull him forward so he can lick his ear]

[WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO HIM]

[ ?!?!?!?!?!?!? ]

[ He wouldn't have seen this coming from miles and miles away. His collar is yanked and when he's pulled forward, he thought he would have gotten something but not this. If his collar wasn't pulled, he would immediately scrunch his neck into his cloak like how a turtle retreats into its shell. But he can't.

So he squeaks in response, which sounds weird with the distortion and static and immediately turns red in the face. ]

[WELL THAT MAKES TWO OF THEM, because Edamura's features are lit up like a tomato. he presses his free hand against his face to hide his blush, head bowed, bangs falling haphazard across his fingers]

Dude.

[a strangled li'l noise]

I'm so sorry, I think I got cursed earlier and I think it's still lingering--

[KILL HIM HE IS SO EMBARRASSED]

[ Hien shuts his eyes tight and just shudders in place as if to release the tension he feels right now. Looks like the ear is pretty sensitive............. more things for Edamura to know that he didn't really need to. Congratulations on your info. ]

"It's--fine..."

[ hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhghghghghghghh

You know what Hien does. He gets a pillow and shoves it into his own face. ]

[. . . peeking up at Hien between his fingers when he feels that little shiver. just in time to watch the poor guy shove a pillow into his face]

[. . .]

[cute. . . . . .]

H-- hey. . . come on, you don't have to do that.

[attempts to tug the pillow away. . .]

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