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It was the concept of self part of me that lashed out, so I did. I'm really glad I was weakened to do much of anything.

[ All that. Not much.

ok ]

[OKAY]

If that was you while you were weakened, I wouldn't stand a chance against you at full strength. . .

[he'd be dead within seconds]

. . . how are you-- you know. Feeling? After all of that.

... I don't think I would ever want to unleash anything at my full strength on someone who doesn't have a chance of fighting back.

[ For multiple reasons. ]

I'm feeling mostly fine. I just wanted to distance myself from others, because I didn't want anyone to have a visceral reaction with my presence. All that happened... and I even killed someone. Of course that would be terrifying to most people. Me though... I can accept visitors at any time.

[. . .]

[he hugs pomchi Hien a little bit closer to his chest, pressing his nose against the top of that furry head. right between the ears]

That form. . . is that the form you would take if Memory and Life were to die. . .?

[is that how Hien would look, should his world-destroyer trigger be activated?]

Yeah.

[ His ears twitch a little, but calms eventually. ]

It is. I can access it by switching to "future mode".

[gently pats those ears. calm!!]

How do you feel about it? Does it. . . bother you?

[or is it just another piece of what makes Hien whole? a part of his "villainous" side?]

... It's also called the "future mode" because it's my inevitable future. I simply borrow it.

[ Does Edamura remember the little slumber party games? His answer? Particularly the last one?]

I've been dedicating a great portion of my existence to avoid that future like I said before. It bothers me, but I can't deny the convenience of it.

[HE SURE DOES. . . tbqh that is when he clocked that the shadow was Hien]

I don't want you to disappear, either.

[he says with a slow exhale]

I asked because. . . I remember you got upset when you felt like people expected you to be "good" all the time. I wondered if this was something similar. . . or if it was another thing entirely.

[ Hien stays quiet for a moment, thinking on what Edamura says. ]

... Can I turn back into a person?

Ah-- yeah. Of course.

[carefully placing Hien back on the ground so he does not SUDDENLY BECOME A PERSON in his lap. that would be awkward]

[ Thank you, Edamura. That's why he asked. Hien personally wouldn't mind, but he thinks Edamura would. So. He's trying to be courteous. Anyway, the gear turning noises are back and Hien replaces the dog in all his humanoid glory, sitting across from him. ]

"... I'm going to tell you what's in my shard."

[ Not who, but what. He was courteous for that before, but he leans in to quietly mumble it next to Edamura's ear. ]

[hilariously he actually wouldn't mind either. . . he just thinks Hien would. . .]

You are?

[there's no hiding the way Edamura's features grow slack with surprise, because he truly thought he would never learn what was in Hien's shard. he figured it was a secret Hien would take to the end of Purgatory, and that was fine by him. everyone deserved to have their secrets]

[. . . now isn't the time to think about the small flicker of warmth he feels at being wrong, though. how nice it is to be trusted. especially not when he tilts his head to listen]

[. . .]

[and he feels ice course through his veins, freezing his heart in his chest]

[for a moment, he is silent. for a moment, he hears nothing but the echoes of that answer reverberating in his mind. I don't want to disappear. I don't want you to disappear, either.]

[he reaches down to grasp Hien's hand tightly in his own, knuckles white, fingers trembling slightly]

. . . that's why. . .

[that's why Hien was so uncertain about making progress]

[ His first box was weighted, but contained nothing. ]

"... Despite everything, I like living."

[ He feels Edamura's hand, tight, around his own and looks down at it. He can feel the trepidation in his fingers, just a little, but it means a whole lot in those small actions. ]

"I was looking for ways to stop being a monster. I still am and this is... just one of those ways that I need to try."

[Despite everything, I like living]

[I want you to keep living. I want you to be happy. I want your life to be peaceful.]

How. . . would it work?

[lifting his gaze to search Hien's expression, the same trepidation that sends shivers through his fingers reflected in his eyes]

How would it get rid of the monster, but not. . . you?

"... It doesn't. We both go."

[ Hien's eyes are downcast and his expression mostly hasn't changed. But Edamura will be able to tell that there's definitely some sort of emotional vulnerability going on. ]

[suddenly, so much that happened over the past five weeks makes sense in hindsight. this is what Hien had meant when he said he'd send everyone off at the end of their journey, isn't it? this is why that conversation had give Edamura a vague sense of discontent in the pit of his stomach. everyone else in Purgatory is here searching for someone important to them, but Hien?]

[Hien is slowly plummeting towards oblivion]

That's not fair.

[he hisses, voice low. his grip on Hien's hand is tight enough to hurt now, as if the man will simply vanish right before his very eyes any second now]

. . . that's not fair. [Why do you have to go, too? Why is it all or nothing?] There has to be another way. Not this, Hien.

[a pause, and he repeats, a little quieter but just as firm]

Not. . . this.

[ It hurts, but Hien doesn't make a sound nor make any indication that it hurts on his face. ]

"I said it before, didn't I? I tried multiple methods--just like this one in other worlds. They didn't work out. If it works, then it works. If it doesn't, then... I'll keep searching."

[some part of Edamura seems to realize what he is doing. his grip loosens, even if he does not draw away entirely]

Why?

[he eventually asks]

. . . why are you willing to sacrifice yourself? There's still so much good you can do. And so many people who care about you.

"Because... the monster is also me. I can't separate myself from it."

[ So what Edamura said to Elysium back there--he was right. ]

[he wishes he weren't. he hadn't even meant it in this sense. he just. . . didn't want to look away from the pieces of Hien that were monstrous. he wanted to see him in his entirety. the good, the bad, and the extremely ugly]

[Can you tame it? is what he thinks next, before realizing that is a stupid question. of course Hien has tried taming it. Hien has been alive for god knows how long. if he is seeking oblivion in an attempt to rid the universe of the World Eater for good, then he truly has tried. . . everything]

[and what can Edamura, a mere human who can barely comprehend the life Hien has lived, say about that?]

[. . .]

[nothing, really. and that's the worst feeling of all, isn't it? the helplessness of being able to do nothing]

[there are no more words. Edamura releases Hien's hand, though he doesn't go far. seconds later, he slides his arms around his companion's shoulders, pulling him in for a tight embrace, face buried into the slope of Hien's shoulders]

[ Oh.

It's Edamura who initiates the hug this time, and Hien is a little surprised. Despite that, he returns the hug and gently rubs his back in an attempt to comfort him. People are always more concerned about Hien's circumstances that he is, and he thinks it's tiring and a pain to deal with.

He knows how to love himself and believes that he has a decent modicum of self-esteem, but sometimes you're loved and can't possibly fathom why someone would like him even after telling them most of the things about him.

In the entirety of his existence, Hien realizes that Edamura has been the first one to accept all of him and show it in a way that Hien understands.

Because of that, he also buries his face into Edamura's shoulder. It's a little wet. ]

[sometimes you are loved and the thought of your entire existence being reduced to nothingness really upsets the person who cares about you! it's not even a matter of Edamura worrying about Hien's self-esteem. it's something far more selfish than that. because while he had thought it the other day, and subsequently brushed it aside with the notion that of course the connections he made in Purgatory were meant to be brief and fleeting. . . in this moment, he realizes that he simply]

[does not]

[want Hien to leave]

[he doesn't. he doesn't. he does not want to let this bond go. he doesn't want to lose it at the end of their journey, whether it's to nothingness or oblivion or just. . . the both of them going their separate ways. isn't that awfully self-centered of him? thinking of what he wants, and what he doesn't want to lose, when Hien is the one who is going to lose everything]

[Edamura feels the pressure against his shoulder, accompanied by the slight touch of something damp. he exhales sharply and tightens his hold, allowing one hand to drift up to the back of Hien's head, fingers diving into soft locks]

I'm sorry. [he mutters, words slightly mumbled against Hien's shoulder] The only thing I'm thinking right now is really selfish.

[I really want you to stay.]

"You think I won't encourage you to be selfish?"

[ baka....................... As the Concept of Self, yeah. He will always encourage people to be selfish, but not to the point that it's detrimental.

He keeps his face buried into Edamura's shoulder and sniffles. ]

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