selfconcept | purgastory >> inbox

"... People aren't reasonable, Soowon. They're irrational and emotional. Hak is kind, has emotions, and I literally just killed you right in front of him."

[ Soowon?? C'mon???? ]

[ "Did I mean that much to him?" is the thought that comes out but what he says is ]

... even still, it's an accident. It may take a few days for the information to settle, but... I hope those feelings don't linger.

"I'm not worried about Hak holding a grudge against me or anything. He can do whatever he wants regarding me. I'm just worried about his mental health."

[ SINCE SEEING A FRIEND DIE IN FRONT OF YOU DOES NUMBERS ON THAT ]

"... You forgot about him, huh."

[ . . . mental health? so they really were close? well, soo-won had gotten that idea, but it's still a little hard to wrap his mind around. perhaps it's because he's (hien voice) distant by default that he can't imagine being that close with... anyone. ]

I did. [ no use in hiding it ] But I'm trying to find what I can to put pieces together.

[ I hope Soowon uses Hien's words against him one day just because I think that would be extremely funny. ]

"... In my experience, getting to know everything that you forgot can just be overwhelming because it feels like you're being gaslit even though you know they're telling the truth. Is that still something you wanna do?"

[ AGAINST HIM? listen it's just an accurate description of someone who was raised the way that he was, even though he's extremely friendly ]

Yes. [ he says this immediately, and then thinks on it a bit more, to at least give the illusion that he needs time to deliberate ] ... Yes.

... I think the longer I don't know, the more it hurts him. I can stomach some overwhelm. But if he's as important to me as I think, then I can't tolerate that.

[ Hien really waited for Soowon to try and give it some thought. Binch. Why are you like this even though you're so yaoi-amnesia'd. ]

"Alright. You two were childhood friends with Hak's current girlfriend."

[ sorry he forgot her name ]

"And something happened. Something that you couldn't take back. You're a king, and apparently he vowed to kill you and you put on some bravado and agreed. Then you two came here and bonded because you're away from all the politic shit and whatever. When I asked about your shard, you told me that you would help Hak, no matter what version he was--even if he wasn't the Hak from your timeline. That's how close you two are. You always wanted to make up for the things you've done-though I don't know what you did. Even if Hak wouldn't care for it."

[ tldrs hakwon from hien's perspective ]

[ because sometimes you like other people so much that it's easier to give up everything for them, including your own comfort. ]

With... Yona.

[ just supplying a name, but also trying to make sense of everything with what he knows. he appreciates hien telling him this, even though hien also went through his own ordeal today. he lays on the floor and pets the nearest cat. he remembers yona, growing up with her, but... hak was there too, huh?

it is a little overwhelming to hear all this, it's true but... logic applies. the person in his shard looks exactly the same as hak, so it... must be. there are so many places in his memory where hak would neatly fill the gap that he didn't know existed.

maybe it's because he's gotten as close to hien as he has, or because he's feeling so distant from it now that he's able to admit—]

I killed the last king to assume the throne. Yona's father.

[ . . . ]

That's the only thing that could make sense, I suppose.

"Mm."

[ Hien listens without judgment, merely taking that information in as a factual event that happened. ]

"It does, yeah."

[ it sure did happen. soo-won just sighs as he lets himself become one with the floor. ]

... do you ever wonder if, once your goals are accomplished and you've protected the people you want to protect to a satisfactory state... the world might be better off without you?

Even if you like life, and people, and the world. Perhaps even love them most of the time.

Because loving something doesn't mean you're incapable of harming it.

[ asking it all very... matter-of-factly ]

"You're asking the wrong person for that. I eat worlds. Of course the world would be better off without me."

[ He sighs. ]

"I get what you mean though. I also like living, but one day, whenever it is in the future, I have to eat all the worlds, which would kill everyone inside of it regardless of what I've done with them--even after saving a single life and watching it grow up... if they haven't died of old age by then, they would have to witness the one who saved them attempting to kill them later. Even just now, I killed you and harmed others despite how much I like them."

I told you in the past. You are my friend, and you happen to be a world eater.

[ so he gets it but... he also doesn't. soo-won's issue is always seeing a person as a whole, their good and bad, and somehow being fond of them anyway. he is always a little distant, but he is nevertheless adoring. ]

But you keep living anyway. Is that it? What dominates your thought process?

[ maybe if he understands hien's, he can justify his own existence a little more. or not. ]

"I keep living, because I like living. But objectively, the universe would be better off without me, so I've been looking for solutions to prevent turning into a monster."

[ ... ]

"Even if it kills me for good."

[ . . . ]

So a race against time, is it? [ to either find a solution or to become that monster that'll destroy everything he loves. soo-won will reach out again to try to catch onto hien's hand ] ... though I think it evident enough that I hope you find a solution that doesn't come to that.

[ They can hold hands... Hien is warm. ]

"I've been looking across many worlds. They didn't exactly work out, but I'm trying with this one."

[ handholdy.... ]

Have you found any leads...?

"Not really a matter of leads, but I'm going to see if what Purgatory gives me will work. If it works, then it works. If it doesn't, then I'll go to another world to find a different solution again."

[ . . . ? ]

Has this place been giving you something?

"We're all looking for someone, aren't we? It's a bit like that."

Mm...

[ well. he supposes he's seen quite a few different types of people in the shards, so. ]

... I hope that the resolution being offered to you is a gentle one.

"Thanks, but I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't either, knowing my luck."

[ It is what it is... ]

[ help ]

... I suppose there's no way to know until it happens.

But nonetheless it'd be a bit less traumatizing for everyone who loves you if we could have something a bit simpler...

"This is why I'm trusting you with the knowledge."

[ aka don't go telling anyone

He wants to control this information because y'all are so kind to him but he feels like he has no other choice. ]

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