selfconcept | purgastory >> inbox

Yeah, it's me.

[ hewwo. Hien stays put where he is though, so that he can give Tsukasa control of the situation. He figures that seeing in his other forms would make him run away or feel sick, so. Puppy, it is. ]

Ah...

[...!!!]

Ah!!

[He gets up to his hands and knees immediately, scrambling closer to peer at little doggy Hien.]

Are you okay?!

[ His tail wags a little. ]

"Yeah. I was more worried about everyone else, so I kept my distance."

[... Oh.]

Because of what happened? But...

[... A slow breath in. Don't think about it too hard--the blood, the way everything had gone to chaos so quickly.]

... Surely you couldn't help what happened back there...

[ i keep forgetting when to use my quotation marks or not aaaaa ]

I lashed out because I lost my sense of self... and being who I am, it's incredibly important.

[ says username selfconcept ]

[He's been told enough by now that that makes more sense than it doesn't.

He lost his sense of self, when that's entirely who and what he is.]

... Did you... lose that because of what you went through?

I saw some weird books in a room... and it felt like they were trying to erase my existence in a slow and painful way. I was more or less freaking out the entire time after that.

[... That's so... cruel.]

... It really is like... these moments when we're lost deeper in the mazes are set up to target where we are most likely to be hurt.

... This wasn't the first time that I experienced something like it, but all occurrences were terrible. The only thing that's different this time is that I lashed out against people that I like.

[ The tail stops wagging. It droops. ]

[... Oh no, not the drooping tail. It's Hien, but also, this is Hien as a dog...

Tsukasa finds himself reaching out to pet his head before he can really think about it.]

I'm even more certain now that it wasn't your fault. This isn't anything you would have ever done if you had a choice...!

[ He likes the petting, so he doesn't mind it. ]

It doesn't erase what I did, like the trauma and fear I probably instilled into you and the others.

[Then he will continue the petting. It's a soothing motion for him, too.

Slowly, he takes a deep breath in. And then he sets his jaw, lifting his chin.]

... Yes, it was terrifying! [I've never seen--] Of course it was!

But Hien, I don't blame you for what happened in the least. And... and I wouldn't want you to blame yourself on my behalf either!

Mm. It's okay to admit that you're scared. I know it was scary.

[ Just to further encourage that line of thinking. ]

I'm not a very guilt-ridden person. If you say so, then I won't think much on it anymore.

[ ....... ]

... You're really brave, Tsukasa.

[...

He's silent for a moment at that, expression complicated.

I don't feel particularly brave...

Two people died today, and even if they came back, it still happened. There was still absolutely nothing he could do about it. He couldn't even jump in there like Yosuke and the others did to try to help.]

... Well! We... have to keep moving forward, after all. There isn't anything for it but to keep putting our best foot forward, step by step.

While that's true, I hope you can give yourself some time to process through your thoughts and feelings.

[ Hien isn't particularly bothered about dying, but he knows other people are, so he'll just keep quiet about it. ]

[Nnnghhh.

This is the first time he's really, really not wanted to do that in some time.]

I'll be okay. You really... I don't really think I'm the one you should be worrying about at a time like this!

... You're actually one of the people I'm worried about the most.

[ unfortunately, ]

Wha--me?!

[At least he's able to be himself enough to be offended in this moment.]

Have I done something to make you feel as though I'm that unreliable?!

Tsukasa. Were you worried for me?

[ He's going to truck on with this. ]

W-well, of course I was! You were dragged off deeper into the maze and badly wounded and then all of that happened--!

[He thinks he had very good reasons to be worried.]

But you didn't think I was unreliable, right? Because I had certain things surrounding my happenstance.

[ Tsukasa can worry all he wants. Hien won't stop him, and can't either. ]

I feel the same way. It's not about being unreliable. I worry because I don't want something worse to happen to you.

[... Ahhh.. That's right. He wasn't worried because he thinks Hien is unreliable. It isn't a reflection on him--probably--that Hien worries about him the most.]

I... very little has actually happened to me here, comparatively...

[But it's said almost a little ruefully, like he knows it's hardly even worth arguing.]

But--no, I suppose instead I should say I'm grateful that you care that much about me.

It's not about what you should say. I'd rather hear what you truly feel all the time, even when you're offended, think I did something shitty, or whatever else.

[ flashbacks to I will know.

But the puppy in front of Tsukasa just sits with a little blep. ]

It doesn't matter if a lot or little happened to you directly. A single event can traumatize someone for life, and I'm not playing the contest of who has the bigger trauma. It's different for everyone.

And I care a lot about you, Tsukasa. I just want to see you grow up to the best person you think you should be. And if I'm the one that holds that back for whatever reason... of course I wouldn't like that.

[It really is wild to hear all of this from a puppy whose tongue is out in a little blep.

Just. Tsukasa feels like he should be used to this, maybe, given his SEKAI--but at least the plushies sound like he'd expect them to sound. Hien sounds like a full grown man like this.]

I'm not--I'm not traumatized. I'm fine. And! You're the one who--

[--died. And Soo-won--in his memory, it's just part of Soo-won left, and so much blood, and Tsukasa's free hand, the one not resting lightly on dog Hien's head, curls into a tight fist.

It's not as satisfying as he wants it to be. His nails are too well-tended even now to bite into the skin.]

... Hien, you aren't the one doing anything to hold me back. I don't think you did something shitty, I think this place has been picking at us and what makes us ourselves for weeks! And that isn't anyone's fault, but I--

[A shaky breath in. There isn't anything he can do about it. And no matter what, he has to keep going, because Saki is in the depths of this maze.]

--I'll keep going. No matter what.

Mm. I know you will.

[ Hien nuzzles against Tsukasa's hand. ]

But I'm really glad to hear that. I really am. Thanks, Tsukasa.

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