selfconcept | purgastory >> inbox

"Did I ever tell you about the part that if all my other selves die out in every world, I'll permanently become a monster that will stop at nothing to eat every single world that exists?"

[ Just straight to the point. ]

"And that two of those other selves don't have an expiration date unless they choose to have one or are somehow killed?"

[ he blinks a little. ]

Not... exactly, no. [ having it said so bluntly is a little new, but he can see why that might be alarming given what he knows about hien and how he operates. but he pauses as he seems to think. ]

... the memory from when we first met. Is that... ? [ a monster that would stop at nothing to consume marble-sized worlds. a monster that did stop when it came time to eat its own home. ]

"My initiation of being who I am now."

[ Despite seemingly calm about it when that memory appeared, he was actually bristling with so much anger on the inside. It's fine. He just focused on new people that he never met instead and it helped him play it off. ]

"A taste of how it'll be like in the future, even though I'll no longer be conscious and in control of when I become a monster forever... some bullshit like that."

[ Hey, Yosuke. Do you want another boss fight. lol lmao ]

[ shit man, he'd be angry too? he would in fact fight, it's fine. ]

You're right, that is a bullshit initiation. [ ... ] But as long as those other two selves are still alive, there's a chance that won't happen?

"Yeah, except... I think one of them just died."

[ haha

yeah

His anxiety spikes. ]

[ you would do this.

but also, oh, bad! bad. he feels that spike of anxiety and he takes a deep breath, trying to shake it off to stay calm for both of them. ]

Tell me what makes you think so.

[ yea ]

"I can't use any powers related to memory and his voice specifically is gone from the masses that I always hear."

[ give him a moment to cover his mouth with his hand and ruminate on that for a moment. ]

... it's probably really scary for you right now when you're so used to that being a part of who you are, isn't it?

[ bro he was literally here last week, he will walk you through it. ]

[ yosuke help what did you even lose

Hien hesitates. Yosuke is right, but he should explain. ]

"Since... I'm what the 'Self' is supposed to be, yeah, losing a part of me always makes that side of me flip out, but I try not to let it get to me too much. My body barely functions on the days when my other selves die, so I feel like a bedridden person on top of that."

[ ... ]

"But that's not why I feel anxious. It just means that there's only one person that stands between me and becoming a monster forever and I... I--"

[ Okay, he's genuinely freaking out. The person you considered to be chill is in high anxiety mode right now. ]

[ haha.

he has a lot more questions about hien's entire make-up suddenly but those can wait because they're not important. what is important is that he's freaking out, and it's not like yosuke doesn't understand why, so what he does instead is sort of crawls around to sit in front of him and grab both of his hands.

he sort of pauses like "why did i do that" for a moment, but then he figures it's something to kind of root him in reality and try to keep him focused so they can talk through it. if hien's panicking, it's really only going to make things worse. ]

You're not going to become a monster. Okay? I promise. That's not happening here, you're going to be okay. [ convincing, yoosk. ] ... it's going to feel this way for a while, but your powers aren't gone because that self died. They will come back. But the river takes things as a price. That's why it works so well.

[ Even though Hien is in high anxiety, he recognizes what Yosuke tries to do for him. He tries to focus to listen to him. Focus. Pay attention. Yosuke is the only one here right now with Hien. ]

"If it takes away my powers, then fine... That's fine. It can take them. I don't care. I just don't hear that guy specifically anymore. I can't hear him, but I can hear everyone else."

[ he will keep his grip a little tight until they can both relax a little further, if only because this is a lot. ]

It's... it can take things from you that shouldn't even be possible. It wouldn't surprise me if it took that connection, too. Everything that's tied to that self, powers and all, could be considered a price to pay for healing. But I promise it'll come back. It'll just take time.

[ unless haki is feeling mean and takes it away forever.... ]

[ :) ]

"Just that one specifically?"

[ It just feels so weird to Hien, who has more or less accepted that things happen to him just because it does, and not because of cause and effect. ]

"Why just that one? I have billions of others. But that one specifically? Just..."

[ Hien is quiet. Yosuke is doing his best to keep him rooted to reality here, but sometimes you learn how to filter constant voices in your head and when you start losing yourself, you also lose control of that filter. It's so loud. He feels like he's getting a headache. Hien is usually calm because he thought he was over these sorts of breakdowns. Turns out he isn't, no matter how long he lived.

He does his best to focus on Yosuke in front of him. He's right there. ]

"... Okay."

[ The anxiety isn't completely gone, but it's now overshadowed with something that feels like a daily necessity has been skipped too many times and your body starts to rebel against you.

Deprive a man of his water and sink him into the thirst, and he'll forget how to be human again. ]

[ make yosuke a liar, i dare you. ]

Because it's one of the most important ones to you. What kind of a sacrifice would it be if it was something you had plenty of? [ he just says this, and he kind of flinches a little because redstring, hien, your headache is becoming his headache, but it's fine. he can deal.

in a weird way, he's oddly fascinated watching him break down because it's so unusual, but it does prove that nobody's invincible. the anxiety isn't completely gone, but he's still taking time to ease him off the ledge and hopefully help somehow. it's why he pauses... and then decides to explain. ]

... it took Takehaya Susano-o from me. [ which should have also been physically impossible since the persona is yosuke, a large part of him. ] It took about a week for it to come back, but I... it felt empty the whole time. Like a huge piece of me was gone.

[ since. well. it was. he is only saying this to say he kind of knows how it feels to be extremely anxious and insane about something that's such an integral part of you to have it suddenly disappear and signify a huge change you don't want. for hien, it's the difference between being himself and a monster. for yosuke, it's the difference between who he was and who he is now. ]

[ i won't, but it gave me a great idea for the possible next time if he gets dumped into the river!

Yosuke is trying so hard for this guy and he means so well, but when he says Takehaya Susano-o was gone, Hien's eyes just get wide. Sure, the Persona eventually returned, but... losing a part of himself like that is...

It's...

He can't process this right now. Give him a few moments. He's going to curl up into a ball for a bit. ]

[ NO!!!

double NO!!! yosuke is trying but to be fair he's not always the best, so he says that and hien just kind of falls over and yosuke immediately panics. ]

H-hey! [ AH. NO. HOW DOES HE FIX THIS. he's kind of letting his hands hover like he's not sure what to do before realizing that there's some fucky thing happening in the maze that's doing a new feedback loop, so he's quickly re-prioritizing to calm himself down so they aren't in a double panic loop. ]

... [ maybe he needs to just shut up for a second and wait it out. restrategize. all of that. ]

[ It's still loud despite Yosuke's silence, but he can see through the noise. Yosuke is here. There's someone here, wishing to support him. He needs to snap out of it, but how can he, when he's one step closer to becoming a monster and ravaging all the worlds that exist? When he worked so hard to--

...

Yosuke will feel something cool wash over him, as if he's trying to breathe while panicking. Let everything go. Calm down. ]

"... Yosuke."

[ He's still curled up. ]

[ oh, buddy... he truly hates the sensation sharing half because it feels weird and half because he doesn't actually like knowing hien feels this way. or that he's trying to forcibly chill and struggling about it. ]

Yeah. I'm still here. [ he doesn't quite touch him again, but he hovers close and seems to actively be focusing on deep breaths and trying to clear his head. he doesn't understand how red string works but he's trying. ] What can I do to help you?

[ He sure is struggling. Hien finally looks up. He didn't cry, but sometimes he just wants to let go. Even then... it doesn't happen. ]

"... A hug."

[ He feels no shame in asking this for the sake of himself. he's just worried about Yosuke. ]

[ he's doing better than yosuke whose response to being hugged by yu while crying was "you dumbass, that's for girls." he's matured since then, and even if he's still not always good with knowing how to give physical affection he does at least know hugs have made him feel better (to his chagrin) and hien is clearly losing a battle here. what the hell is he worried about yosuke for?

so what this means is he kind of looks at him for a few seconds before he concedes. it's a little awkward at first like he's not sure if this is correct, but after a few seconds he actually pulls him closer. do as you wish. ]

[ He's fine with awkward hugs, because once Yosuke pulls him closer, Hien returns the hug with his hands almost clawing at his back. He buries his face into Yosuke's shoulder. He doesn't cry, but he wants to. He works so hard and fails repeatedly. He tries making lives better for what? The sake of his ego? He'll eventually eat all these worlds, so why does it matter? It's just to satisfy himself, but it'll never be enough. Never enough. He just stays like that for a little longer. ]

[ that pretty much makes it less awkward immediately, because hien's busy practically clinging to him and he'd have to be an absolute asshole to ignore that. he doesn't push him off or anything, and he doesn't complain about the hands gripping tight or the warmth of hien's face in his shoulder even if he's mildly worried he's a little too bony to be that comfortable.

instead, he's adjusting his arms to hold him tighter and sort of lets himself think before one of his hands comes up to stroke the back of his hair. that seems right? a slow, repetitive motion to try and calm him down.

there are plenty of other people who are probably better than this, and he's a little sorry this is what hien gets when he can't entirely measure up to what he might need, but he's at least doing his best because he's done his best for yosuke. it's only right. so basically he really can stay all he wants while he falls apart a little and can't quite crawl out of this pit, yosuke's going to keep hugging him until he decides he wants to pull away. ]

[ He has no standard expectations on anything ever, but that's just his personality at work and not because of being jaded. He just simply is.

He quietly breathes in and out. In and out. The hair stroking does work, because Hien thrives off physical affection and that is one thing that will never change. He calms down a little, more natural this time, as he just... stops clawing his back, but the hug stays.

Hien would never want to pull away, so he keeps staying like this. ]

"... Thanks. You feel really warm."

[ Even if Hien is also always warm. ]

[ hien your expectations.... well. guess yosuke just lives here now because if hien's not pulling away he's not pushing the guy off? he's getting some comfort out of this and to be honest, yosuke is just glad he's able to offer that much to him. he'll continue with the hand smoothing over his hair idly and lean back a little to be more comfortable but otherwise he remains solid and secure.

even if that sentence gets a tiny laugh from him. ]

At least I'm good for something. [ it's a joke, but he is a little concerned. ] Are you cold right now? We can go inside if you want. But I'm okay with this, too. [ maybe the river also took hien's body warmth, he doesn't know. he also isn't really pushing for them to go back yet because sometimes you need to just be away for a bit while you're freaking out. relatable content. ]

"'m not cold... Just like warmth."

[ Like how cats will just curl up in front of the heaters or vents. ]

"You're good for more than that. You're good for so many things."

[ He mumbles. ]

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