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[selfconcept]

HELLO

"..."

GOODBYE

TEXT | VIDEO | VOICE | ACTION

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[lucentia]

[hien......]

... My choices? Which ones?

[selfconcept]

[ Hien just stares at Lucien like "do you really need clarification for this because you have that much you regret???"

But he'll simply answer: ]

"In our... expedition, of some sort."

[lucentia]

[glances away because he can't say the things they were talking about earlier made lucien think about Other Things, that hien should probably never know for his own peace of mind, in which case there is a mixed bag of things he regrets and things he doesn't.]

Well... looking back, given that I was contaminated quite possibly as soon as we stepped foot on that island, there were certainly moments where I know now that my judgment had been altered.

[like, good thing sylus and hien didn't listen to him when he wanted to watch the fireworks to the end. damb.]

But I don't regret that we went back to try and save Rafayel, even if it didn't work out that way.

[selfconcept]

"Mm. Life just happens and sometimes, we're given the bad draw."

[ He's not too hung up about that. ]

"For some reason, I kept thinking about praying. I didn't even know who to pray to. Myself? That just sounds like some ego balloon waiting to be popped."

[lucentia]

I see. So I suppose we were all afflicted with strange impulses—I recall that I wanted to stay for the festivities, even though I think under normal circumstances, I would've declined, and I was obsessed with the fireworks for a while. And then I felt as though I should give Rafayel the coin I found, even though I had no idea what it was...

[...]

Did you have any... additional memories of the life you had in that expedition?

[selfconcept]

[ horseman.jpg

They were truly going through it. ]

"What do you mean...?"

[lucentia]

[...]

In that life, I remembered that one of our traveling companions was Lady Anastasia, and that I left her behind.

[selfconcept]

"You mean... that we left behind?"

[ Don't take that burden on your own, Lucien. ]

"... I don't even know who that is."

[lucentia]

[:pensive:]

... In the memory you saw, where my brother apparently convinced me to poison myself, she would've been the one I was trying to save by doing so.

[selfconcept]

[ Hien just looks at Lucien like. What. Oh my god. Okay. ]

"Her...?"

[lucentia]

Yes, her.

[AND HE ABANDONED HER AAAAAA (IN THIS FAKEASS AU)]

[selfconcept]

[ Hien would say that all that wasn't real except it kinda was and he doesn't want to invalidate Lucien's feelings. ]

"... Can you tell me a bit about her? From what you know of her instead of what we went through back there."

[lucentia]

[...]

She's a very kind and strong person, more than I know how to express. We met as children, when she brought to the palace as a playmate for some time. Back then, she was the first and only person to defend me from my brothers, even though she had nothing to gain from it.

[... it's a little embarrassing to say, but—]

Truthfully, if there is anything good to say about me, it's because I've spent the past years trying to mimic her—to borrow her strength and be half the person she is. I owe much to her.

[selfconcept]

"People learn by being around each other. A minor example would be how close friends usually start adopting each other's speech mannerisms. It's nice to have someone that you admire... as long as you don't put them on a pedestal."

[lucentia]

[a little smile]

We spent much of our reunion arguing, so hopefully we're past that stage. [said in a fond tone, though his expression then takes on a more solemn notch.] ... More than anything, now that she's the one in need of help, I want to be able to repay what she's done for me.

[Though I failed to become someone she could have faith in.]

[selfconcept]

[ ...

Hien leans in to "bite" Lucien's cheek with his lips covering his teeth. It only lasts a second. Hmph. ]

"Did she tell you that?"

[lucentia]

[BWUH?]

Hien—!? [NO BITEY] ... She did not say it directly, but actions speak louder than words at times.

[selfconcept]

[ ://// ]

"Okay, then. What did she do?"

[lucentia]

Why are we doing this, Hien...

[selfconcept]

"Because I want to see if this is a misunderstanding if she didn't outright say it."

[lucentia]

[...

he sighs, as flickers of thoughts go through his mind, voices of other people. "He was the only one shooed away at the door." "She's naturally going to trust us far more."]

There's an enemy we're dealing with in secret, where a crucial part of our plan was for me to give an imperial decree—a speech to the public. It was imperative that we do this before the enemy acted, or else it would be meaningless. And as the prince, I was the only one who could do it.

Unfortunately, I was stabbed by an assassin, most likely sent by my brother who didn't care for the attention that this event was receiving. [these things happen...] It wasn't a life-threatening wound, however, so I declared my intention to proceed with the speech in three days, as time was of essence. She was against it.

[...]

I know she meant no malice by it, and that she was simply concerned for me. But I wish she had believed in me, and I know that if it had been any of the others in my situation, she would've accepted their decision from the beginning. It's just me that she couldn't...

[selfconcept]

[ Hien is quiet. He gets where Lucien is coming from, but... ]

"... Have you considered how it would look to the public if you had to give that speech while being injured? I'm assuming you had to give one out for political reasons."

[lucentia]

They wouldn't know. I was capable of moving without reacting to it.

[selfconcept]

"You could have also outed your brother."

[ Now THAT would be interesting. ]

"... There were many times when you wanted me to stop what I was doing back there, because I looked grievously injured, right?"

[lucentia]

Everyone already knows he wants me dead. Of course, he has to officially hide his tracks, but it's an open secret.

[...]

I know what you're trying to say. It is... a little different with her—our relationship was already complicated even before this.