selfconcept | purgastory >> inbox

"I'm not blaming you. I'm just saying that it happened."

[ That he spun out of control and attacked people. Killed someone, even.

But that image makes him pause. ]

"... Why was I in a display case? I'm not very interesting to look at."

[ ...

that puts a little record scratch into her very complicated, very messy feelings in this moment.

he will clearly hear, That's not true. ]

[ then the rest of the memory shows up:

Nothing seems to happen for a moment, but the TV screen over the statue's head soon flickers to life. It shows Hien (normal sized and not 6 inches tall) shoving someone just out of frame to safety on the banks of the Akheron, which has become one long raging riptide. He's swept away by the cold rush of the river, and the surround-sound system catches a soft sigh from him despite how loud the roar of white-churning water is. He sinks below the black surface, and he's gone for several achingly long moments...

But suddenly, it's as though the river itself spits him back out, a sudden surge of water pushing him from its depths and to the shore, where he coughs and hacks and then rolls onto his back looking like he wants to take a damn nap.

fia remembers it all. in this memory, it feels like an eternity of watching. in real life, it's only a few seconds.

she's quiet. ]

Edited 2025-12-21 00:49 (UTC)

[ "Why am I in these all the time... what the fuck..."

... ]

"Maybe the river thought I tasted bad."

[ she lets go of his shoulder and presses her hand to her forehead. ]

I can't believe you're joking right now.

[ You were just there anyway. I saw you swimming. ]

[ she lowers her hand and searches those checkerboard eyes. ]

Hien... what happened to you?

"... I wasn't joking though?"

[ ??? Hien just looks at Fia, confused, but it dies down when she asks him that question. ]

"I lost my sense of self--my memories and experiences... I became nothing. And... being who I was, as a concept of the self, it didn't end well. It was like having my existence denied in a slow and painful death."

I meant about the river spitting you out because of your taste.

[ Hien conveniently forgets not everything is sentient. ]

"... Right."

[ OKAY.... this is very granola of him

she lowers her head and slowly, warily processes what she hears. ]

You are self... So without any "self" to cling onto, you consume other things? ...To give you meaning?

"No--"

[ ...

A look of realization crosses Hien's face. ]

"Actually... yeah...? That might be it."

[ ...? ]

You didn't consider it?

"... No. Stuff like this happened before, but not so often to the point that I've analyzed it."

[ Sometimes it takes you several human generations to learn something simple and wonder if this was why you were so stupid in your past life. But the thing about Hien is that he has always had time. ]

[ she actually did not expect to help with this. for a second, she's not sure how to respond. ]

Well... Not that I'm some kind of philosophy expert, but it makes sense to me. I'm not sure how much it helps.

[ I hope it does. ]

But what exactly happened to make you into that?

[ And how do we stop it from ever happening again? Can we do that? ]

[ Hien hopes it'll work out too. ]

"I felt like my experiences were being erased... and eventually became nothing."

Do you know how?

[ ...

This is important, but... ]

We don't have to talk about this right now, if you don't want to.

"There was a book that was supposed to have records of my memories and experiences... basically, everything that I am, in that book. But it was empty. And for some reason, I was extremely convinced. I was also being written out of a picture book that depicted the situation at the time."

[ He doesn't mind talking about it, since he's largely calmed down now. ]

[ she processes slowly. her eyes grow softer. ]

You panicked because you thought you were going out of existence. ...That sounds terrifying.

"Having your existence denied is rather painful when there's someone who has the power to do it."

[ There's a small wry expression on his face. ]

"That and... being the Concept of Self goes out of wack when I suddenly don't even feel my own sense of self. It's like being told that someone is the god of healing but can't heal."

You're powerful. Probably one of the most powerful beings I've met, from what you've told me. What kind of thing were you up against that could deny your existence?

"A book."

[ It sounds so stupid, but it is what it is. ]

"It was a book with my name as the title. I was strongly convinced that it was representative of everything I was."

Maybe it's not the book itself, but whatever it was that was influencing your thoughts like that.

[ the cyoa runner... smashes through the fourth wall.

it's terrifying, that hien is still human as much as he is that concept, that ethereal being, that his emotions or thoughts can change him or destabilize him.

she sets her hand back on his arm anyway. ]

...Are you okay?

[ By the powers that be...

Sometimes, Hien isn't sure whether he's retaining the human qualities that he once had or if he's pretending really hard to act like one to the point he has become his mask. ]

"I wasn't fine back then, but I'm a lot better now."

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