selfconcept | purgastory >> inbox

"Any specific exceptions and clauses you want to make before I do it?"

[ He's not trying to deter it, but he doesn't want this to be like "you wished for it but none of it turned out what you expected it to be". ]

...I don't want to become a different person.

I just want this thing to stop.

"... Yeah, I don't want you to either."

[ Hien quietly breathes in and out. ]

"Alright. Whenever you're ready, you can come on out."

[ There's a bit of quiet but then a shuffle, before he opens the door. He really does just vaguely invoke the image of a kid who's just finished crying except it's a grown-ass man. So much misery aura. This is why the comfy clothes were a must.

He'll come out and sit back on the bed. ]

[ Tokinaga looks so miserable... He gently holds his hand at first and briefly squeezes it, trying to be reassuring. He'd hug him but he's not sure if it's too much... ]

"You can tell me to stop anytime, okay?"

[ And he'll abide by Tokinaga's wishes. He's a little more prepared this time, since he's aware that there's a possible obstacle. He waits for Tokinaga's response. ]

[ He just gives a simple nod of having understood the terms and conditions type guy. ]

[ help me but thats exactly what it is so here we goooo

Again, Hien doesn't need to initiate physical contact, but it's to show Tokinaga that it's in process, so he reaches over to gently put his hand on his head this time since he's sitting.

Desire. Hien is going to "fix" this. What he's essentially doing is that he will delete the link between his unfortunate arousal and the trigger that causes it. He's also gonna try looking for the source of it after that. Hien wants to be thorough about this and not let it come back. He will eat you, IPO. Bring it. ]

[ Once again, it feels like Hien gets hurtled through the depths of water, faster now that he has a specific point. The calendar pages fly by and this time, Hien has a specific date.

October 7th, 2020. And this time, he gets a much clearer view of what happened that day -- wandering in the forbidden zone, the surrounding buildings suddenly disappear into nothing but pinkish fog. It seizes and paralyses his entire body, entire body going numb, a sensation rather similar to what Tokinaga was feeling earlier in the midst of his panic attack. There's a clear thought in his mind.

I'm going to die.

And then the sight of it comes clearer than before, and it's beautiful. Every other thought is stripped away in the presence of it -- all of his fear, suffering, anxiety, pain, despair stripped away from him like bark, to replace every raw expanse left behind with that singular thought. Every neuron in his brain fires off in desperation, overloads, and --

Cuts out. He'd died that day. ]

[ OOOHHHHHH fuckin boy he wishes he had memory powers right now but he does NOT and he wishes to just delete the existence of this thing forever from Tokinaga's mind. All he can do for now is suppress this... image, from Tokinaga's mind. Band-aid solutions. Okay. He'll do that. He'll also delete panic attack reactions. His head hurts, bro. This is some kaleidoscope shit.

Wait.

Tokinaga died.

...

This isn't exactly new, to see a supposed dead person wander around being alive, but this is so specifically unique that he feels a little uneasy about it.

Anyway, he did what had to be done. Little birdie, if you come to reform these connections again, meet Hien behind Bostcos so that he can personally beat you up. Thanks.

He's done and lets out a deep breath that he didn't realize he was holding. ]

"... How are you feeling?"

[ Yeah, funny story about that. When Hien severs it, there's something that happens, and this time, it doesn't feel like it comes from Tokinaga himself at all. Before Hien leaves, there's a single, distant feeling like something comes to claw Hien down across the back, but a thin layer of something separates them enough to stop it. Hien, being what he is, can get a vague grasp of what it is more than anybody else probably ever would -- a separation of time and space itself, the boundaries of Purgatory. But that's all he can feel.

Tokinaga opens his eye. ]

...Um... I don't know, yet.

[ fuk u m8!!!!!!!

Hien sighs out of relief. Good riddance. ]

"It's alright. Take your time... and if something goes wrong, let me know through the compact or whatever else."

[ But he's not gonna just leave Tokinaga right away. He'll still sit there with him. ]

"You've gone through a lot, huh..."

[ He sits quietly here, trying to figure out what feels different now. He's not sure. He feels nothing, which is strange -- because after seeing all of that again, he'd probably usually feel a relapse by now. ]

...What do you think?

[ Not... necessarily about how much he's gone through, just what Hien saw. ]

"... It's way too much for a single person to go through."

[ Like, damn bro. For real. ]

"It has a strong grip on you. I think it was trying to attack me, but I couldn't tell if it was the bird thing or something else... Fairly possessive."

[ ... ]

I meant... well, nevermind.

[ He decides not to ask. Hien already promised he wouldn't judge, and it should be gone now anyway. ]

Thanks.

[ Hopefully, Tokinaga will just take Hien's reaction at face value, because that's pretty much it, even if his expressions aren't there half the time.

So he just gives Tokinaga a hug. ]

[ Oh? ]

Hien-k... Hien?

[ He briefly squeezes Tokinaga in the hug and sways him a little side to side. ]

"You're warm..."

[ So is Hien, but. ]

[ This is

honestly just a tad embarrassing, because he doesn't think he's had this type of interaction since he was a kid, from his sisters, from his parents. It's awfully sweet. He wonders if he came off really so in need of comfort in the eyes of an eldritch being like Hien who's seen so much more and felt so much worse.

But he hugs back lightly to not leave Hien hanging, but also in gratitude. ]

So are you, you know.

[ looks at his emeto moment

Yeah?? He's not going to hold anyone to his own standards. That's crazy. ]

"I really admire your persistence and will."

[ Yeah speaking of that sorry if he's a bit gross. He's probably clean he's done this too much but still, crying does a bitch in. ]

It's not much to praise. You have to keep going sometimes, so you do.

[ Tokinaga can be covered in the most disgusting substances in the world from head to toe and Hien would still hug him. ]

"I've seen too many people give up for less. Give yourself some credit."

It's not like I don't think about it at all. Sometimes.

"Obviously, but you didn't. There's no way that you wouldn't have thought about it at least once. I think that makes you look even stronger."

[ He gently rubs Tokinaga's back. ]

You don't need to praise me. You really don't. I spent enough time being the one running away.

I think it'll be easier now.

[ ://////

Hien just sighs and ruffles Tokinaga's hair. ]

"You'll always be supported by someone, one way or another. As long as you're here, many of us will help you out."

[ Just a little reminder. Tokinaga is free to go if he wants to. ]

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