selfconcept | for insinning

Uh-huh.

[ Anyway. ]

I can confirm that Lily can curse people, or something like that. I've been cursed by him. I don't know if it's the same kind, however.

[ He's too tired to argue on that part]

You've been cursed as well?

[It went badly, huh? And Hien rejected what Lily wanted]

...what does your curse do?

I am gradually losing parts of myself to the point that I will become a blank slate.

[ He scoffs. It's laughable and he hates it so much, and the small laugh masks how absurd he feels about it. ]

I'm sure some people would like that as opposed to how I am now.

[ah. A sick feeling settles in his stomach, the distress visible on his face]

... even so, there are a lot of people who wouldn't. To lose parts of yourself...[ah. ] Mithrun's curse was memory related but, different. But it's similar in how he's slowly becoming a blank slate--

[ He pauses, his brow furrowing even further]

...would Zelkova be able to stop it? If we're all just 'data' now, then...there must be some way to reverse it. For both of you.

[ Hien hates himself, but he wouldn't let go of his identity for anything. It's all he has that's strictly his now in a way that matters.

But now that is being taken away. It's ridiculous. ]

Maybe it's just right for me, to be born with nothing. To be alive with nothing. The name isn't even mine and my body has been long severed.

I don't think he can do anything about it, but hey, here's a fun thought: what if someone data drains Lily?

Even if you were born that way, that name is yours. All names are important. Our memories, everything... they're all interwoven

[ Hani's words echo in his head loud and clear. Sinclair just looks upset. Angry. Anger with no one to direct it to]

[ And that pulls Sinclair right up. Data drain Lily?]

...I imagine the sense of 'self' Lily has would be...erased? They're not human so they don't need a core for protection against data drain but...

What kind of character did Lily have when you met him?

Lily is just data that came to life. Data, nonetheless. I'm not sure what you mean by "what character Lily had" though.

[ Honestly, he wouldn't know if this would even work, but he's pretty sure Lily has some failsafe against it. Why else would he give them out to troubled teenagers and lonely idols? ]

But you're right. All those things that make me as myself will be gone eventually. That's why I couldn't stand Lily's ideology and rejected it. This world is fucked, but at least I can face it head-on instead of relying on some fantasy utopian escapism bullshit. Sounds like a cult, and this is the perfect environment to foster one.

[ He sighs. Can Sinclair hear the disappointment in his voice, because it might as well be resounding. ]

Names are something people can rip away from you. I've had that happen to me. That's why "Hyunjung Kang" has been dead since years ago. Now I'm a nameless existence, borrowing a name that isn't even mine to begin with.

Don't let that happen to you, Vogel—Emil Sinclair.

Edited 2023-10-14 21:58 (UTC)

When Lily spoke to me, he came across as a child - a really bratty ten year old. One minute it was offering salvation, the next minute it was blowing raspberries at me. I was wondering if the programming - the AI - could adapt depending on the input. If it could instantly recognise what would be most effective on us, and modify its approach based on that.

[ It was a program of course. Hien rejecting the program and Sinclair pushing back when he did prove one thing though: Lily was not an omniscient AI]

...it really was the cult of Lily between those three. And...

[ Mithrun. Sinclair studies Hien and wishes he could do... anything.]

I wont. I wont let him take my names away from me... they're important to me, and they're important to the people around me.

[ Emil. Vogel. Sinclair . He holds Hani's words fiercely to his chest]

[ Seeing Sinclair's determination despite the helpless situation is honestly inspiring. Motivating. Hien wants to do the same, but his determination lies elsewhere. ]

... I still remember our first interaction here.

[ Because Sinclair kept interacting with Hien. It keeps his memories of Sinclair alive, for at least a while longer. His memories with Fandaniel were already starting to fade. Perhaps it's because he favors Sinclair more? He's not sure. ]

You've grown since then.

[ He walks up to Sinclair, mummyhead and all, and gently pats his head.

It's a nice headpat--the kind that you get to show affection for someone who's close to you, like a younger sibling. It's also the kind you receive from people who tell you that you did well, a good job. From how he is now, Hien has never felt close to anybody except one person and even then, it's a little complicated. The feeling is foreign when receiving, but it isn't when he's giving.

He feels like he's always wanted to do this, in some way. But he also knows that he always wanted someone to tell him the same thing--that he wasn't a mistake. That it's okay to be here. That it's fine to simply exist without being used as a tool nor a scapegoat. That he's wanted--

But he keeps his taciturn face behind the bandages and withdraws his hand. ]

... I remember too.

[ Ah. A headpat. He reaches up to touch his head in surprise. His chest aches, and he wishes he could help Hien the way Hien has helped him so many times over. He's being treated like a child but it feels right somehow]

...I didn't know 'Hyunjung Kang'. But I know Hien. Everything you've done has meaning. You're important.

[How should he put it...]

It wasn't your job to help me when we first met. It wasn't your job to keep Mithrun's body safe from people who would do terrible things for fun. It wasn't your job to help me vent after either. That was all you. I don't want you to disappear. I want 'Hien' to keep existing as he is.

Edited 2023-10-15 01:26 (UTC)

... I do too, even if I hated "Hien", who squandered a second chance... because he could no longer be bothered to try for people.

[ But that's clearly wrong, seeing as he had done some things for people. He never corrected anyone if they were wrong either. He just took the blame because he's used to it. He let people get mad at him, even if it was something he couldn't control.

But it doesn't matter now. ]

You would never know "Hyunjung Kang" regardless. No matter how rich you are, or how good your private investigator is... he's faded from existence. He's been unpersoned--a mistake that's been erased.

And out of it all comes "NoName", who's never been allowed to own anything in his life.

[ ... ]

It's too late, so I'd rather you focus on something you can actually do.

[Sinclair shakes his head]

...even if you say that, this isn't something I can let go either. There must be a way to keep your sense of self together for as long as you can. Mithrun was using our inbox messages to remember some things. Maybe...

[Sinclair breathes out slowly and frowns. But one thing at a time, bit by bit]

If Lily is a rogue AI that was born at the same time as Zelkova...what does Lily really want? Is he intending on recreating the events outlined in the poem? Or is that already set into the game's programming?

... I wish I could tell you, but I don't know the answers for those questions. If it was set in the programming, I have been none the wiser. They can do things that the head admin can't, so... that's that.

[ ... ]

I already looked through my logs and messages. I'm recording whatever is left of my memories too, but when I read them, I don't remember. It seems that some of you have your memories replaced, but I just have gaps in my memories. I don't remember what I did for the past two years before the beta test. Nothing that I read will return my memories to me.

[Ah]

...so it's gone that far for you. That...seems like what happened to Mithrun too. But, closer. He doesn't remember any of our conversations outside of Fragment. Like, he's only meant to exist 'here'. [It makes Sinclair sick]

...what do you remember then?

I remember how I was framed for killing a child when I was sixteen years old. Political smear campaign. My family ditching me. The years I spent as a homeless person... being an attack dog.

[ He shrugs. ]

I still remember a lot, but I never know what memory is gone.

An attack dog...[He rubs his cheek, remembering his venting session with Hien. Ah. He understands better now]...so the worst things you remember. [He's explaining himself poorly, maybe. But, he's thinking. If Hien only remembers the bad things he's done, then]Anything coloured with extreme emotions...Do you remember Ren and Renatus?

You said you still remembered our first meeting. What else do you remember here? What makes our meeting different?

Edited 2023-10-15 07:34 (UTC)

You say that they're the worst things I remember, but that's just how my life went even without those things. Happiness isn't a right nor is it a guarantee for everyone.

[ Must have been nice to be born into a loving family, is what he thinks. He's a little jealous, but eventually comes to the conclusion that it's not something he deserved anyway. ]

Who are they? I also think it would be better if you asked me for something specific.

Edited 2023-10-15 09:21 (UTC)

[Hien, why is your life so awful... Sinclair frowns, looking down. Ah]

Renatus is your room mate. Ren is your dog, a pomchi mine is based off...you told me that two weeks ago.

[Timelines, hm... And something specific...]

...do you remember Tylor and Hani? They wanted to have breakfast with you.

Edited 2023-10-15 09:36 (UTC)

I remember Tylor and Tabibito.

[ He doesn't call them by Hani... sorry, Sinclair. This isn't a memory thing. ]

Awfully friendly, those two.

[ Though, there's some silence on Hien's end. ]

... This is when I would say that I never had a roommate nor a dog, but I was told that I had a roommate.

Apparently, he was someone that I deeply cared for. If someone threatened to harm him, I'd be ready to kill them on the spot. He's also a biology researcher in CC Corp, and the reason why I had this job as the Head Administrator.

... That said, I still don't remember any of it. Does any of it ring a bell for you?

[ He doesn't know how much Simclair knows about this topic, so he's just reiterating everything he was told. ]

You didn't tell me that part. But you also told me not to spread Renatus' name around or you would kill me for real. I just thought it was nice you named your dog after your room mate.

[Was it Sentimental? Sinclair will believe that even if it isn't true]

...I'm glad you remember Tylor and Hani. They like you a lot. [pause, considering:]

Was Lily responsible for the plague?

[ It was absolutely sentimental. Nothing wrong with naming a dog after the roomie who gave you the dog. Totally. ]

... Renatus must have been someone very important then, but I don't know who was responsible for the plague. I couldn't trace it back to anything.

But Lily is most likely responsible for the green shielded monsters then. Giving Misteaks, Levi and Uta the cores and data drain was his way of making them believe what he said was true. That their role was to 'save' and 'protect' everyone...

[ Sinclair frowns. They've both established neither of them need that. Neither of them want that]

Every thing happening is to force us to become dependent on him...

[But for how long has Lily been active? It's probably a silly question but]

What class did Lily appear as?

As I said, this environment is perfect for cultivating a cult for the weak-minded. As long as you understand the basic human psyche and have the ability to manipulate your surroundings, gathering "cult members" is laughably easy. Perhaps it also goes to show that if Lily is an AI who started as a blank slate and learned from observing human behavior, then perhaps he's just an messed up bundle of traits that he inherited from the playerbase. Despite this fact, he's gotten quite a big head about it, thinking that he's better than humans despite having learned from humans.

[ He scoffs. ]

What a joke. A brat is what he is, like a child who learns how to open a jar of cookies and suddenly they think they're the king of the world.

[ Hien crosses his arms. Yeah, he's peeved about Lily. ]

I couldn't inspect him due to the defense mechanism, but assuming he was without a blatant costume skin, he looked like a physical DPS class. Spellcasters have some version of a robe or cloak. He didn't.

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